|
|
Always wear a
condom, even with your girlfriend. Go easy when hazing the freshmen, you never
know who’ll be covering your blindside for the home opener. Never talk back
to the coach. Take the cocky shit from the black guys that make you look good
when they streak down the field. Never be boastful to reporters. Floss.
Always be polite to recruiters; treat each like they’re the first. Try to
stay in state. Don’t go double A. Feed Ma’ each morning. Wash her sheets if
necessary. Make sure Mrs. Vasquez gets her dinner while you’re at practice.
Call Tilson at the end of the month and remind him
to send the money he likes to forget about. Stretch. Hit the weight room
before lunch, but don’t lose any flexibility in your throwing arm. Slide for
first downs. Only dive headlong if the game’s on the line. Never smash the
mailbox of any of the boosters who pay for the Friday night lights—and never,
ever, fuck one of their daughters, like Charles Ray did; he ended up with a
busted knee cap and lost his scholarship to College Station. Don’t get into fights with drunken has-beens,
jealous wannabes or jilted boyfriends who’ll always line up to take shots at
you. If you get in a fight, take the fucker out quick, but make sure your
fist is packed right so you don’t break a knuckle. Avoid knives. A slice,
like the skewered spleen of your all-state tight end who
got into it with a jealous husband, can cost the season. Don’t pack. A gun
for any thing but hunting can land you in a cement box. Cats and jackrabbits
are fair game for off-road “Death Race,” but dogs and armadillos are off
limits, no matter how drunk you get. Never fumble a snap from center. Always
place the ball firmly in the back’s abdomen. Don’t get injured. Never pay for
a lap dance at the Vixen Den, unless it’s Daiquiri—aka
Cheryl Ann Travis, the head cheerleader when you were a freshman—because she usually
throws in a complimentary ¡°State Championship¡± blowjob. Don’t stare at
Jenny Rodger’s tits at the bowling alley; her brother, a fourth round pick of
the Rams, works the bar, carries a snub nose and still thinks she’s a virgin.
Never let your opponent back in the game. Never lose. Two losses in a season
is a failure, two in a row has never happened, and if it does, nothing else
will matter. Tell people they’ve got nothing to worry about when they ask you
about the upcoming game with the Freemont Raiders even though they’ll bring
up the fourth quarter INT you tossed last year that gave them the game.
Always outplay your backup in practice. Don’t give coach fodder for
contemplation. Eat at Skippy Jack’s Drive-in when ¡°Easy¡± Mary Ellen Henning
is working; she used to go with Tilson when he was
the starting H-back and she was the homecoming queen and throws you a
cheeseburger on the house when Skippy’s not around. Clean Ma’ up when you get
home. Study the playbook. Put Ma’ to bed. Do your homework. Look in on Ma’.
Study the playbook some more. Get a good night sleep. Get Bs. Don’t get
caught cheating. Gas up at Dyson’s; the old man lets you fill up for free so
he can reminisce about his son who backed you up on JV, but then dropped out,
joined the Army and caught a slug in Iraq. Be grateful to your linemen. Smile to parents
when signing autographs for the Pee Wees. Pump fake
in the pocket before rolling out. Hope the ‘Horns come through with the full
ride before the other bigs put the squeeze on you.
Follow up with ‘Tuky and Cal to see if they’re
serious about sending you home every other week. Don’t throw over the middle
unless you’ve checked off the safety. Put plenty of touch on the ball when
leading your speed receivers. Win state. Remember where you came from. Be
true to Ma’. Get the fuck out of here.
|